Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words - mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, Don't forget the thick, heavy brows. Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. Hear that? you say. That's dynamite, baby.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. Oh, no, I said. Disneyland burned down. He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be laughing, then jumping off something.

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see that I forgot to put on my pants.

When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, I like mayonnaise. She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this: Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, Log o' fire! Log o' fire! I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind people and pinching them is probably a joke that gets old real fast.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to speak the natives' language, just say Poppy-oomy. I bet it means something.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say How do you figger that! real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said Lassie, go skate for help, she could do it.

I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, forget em', cause, man, they're gone.